A Zen Practice for Couples

A while ago I met two middle-aged people who had recently gotten together as a couple. Each of them had had nothing but troubled relationships their whole lives through, starting in childhood, but they were hopeful this time around. Given their past conditioning, they were understandably nervous and were seeking help. They’d already ordered several books, were looking into couples therapy, and wondered what Zen relationship advice I had for them.

“Practice this every day,” I said. “Do it first thing in the morning (or, preferably, second thing, after meditating together). Sit facing each other and say to one another, ‘I am grateful today that you are in my life.’ Say the words, even if you find it difficult. If you don’t believe them, say so. Say, ‘I just said that I was grateful that you are in my life, but I don’t really feel that this morning, although I would like to feel it,’ and then try it again; if you still don’t mean it, you can say so and give up until tomorrow. Then try again the next day, preparing yourself in advance by reminding yourself that you really are lucky to be alive, to be whole and healthy, and to have someone willing to share their life with you.”

None of these [practices] are automatic; none of them is permanent. To be alive with others — nothing could be more basic, yet there is no greater spiritual practice.

Norman Fischer
from When You Greet Me I Bow; Notes and Reflections from a Life in Zen